365 days...

That is what I have left to complete my 3rd decade of existence on this little rock we call Earth. Today wasn't really what I had been looking forward a few days ago, but I can't complain, it was really nice day, and I've got a very good twist on my mood with respect to the last couple of months (at least).

During this month I was supposed to take my qualifying exams, but close to the day of the test, my portfolio was reviewed, and I was told I needed to take a couple classes before I take the exams. Considering that my main concern this semester was the exams, it got me really frustrated and quite depressed to some extent. After that, I had one more thing that I was eager for, going for a week to NYC to spend some time with my sister, particularly, spend my birthday with her. Unfortunately, she got appointed to go to Brazil for a workshop. Of course, this got me even more frustrated and more depressed, although, it also brought me lots of pride to know that she will be representing Ecuador in a very important workshop and she had been appointed as the person that will do the best.

But it is said sometimes that things happen for a reason, and they did. I was thinking on doing this post a few days ago, but back then I was having a very negative perspective on things, mainly from the frustration I was having at the moment. But today, that is not the case, in fact I am looking things at a much more positive side. And it really wasn't a very special celebration, no really parties, or anything like that, in fact, the only difference from my usual routine was having some sushi and then hanging out for a while with friends.

As I said, things do happen for a reason sometime, and in this case, I think that the fact that my plans to go to NY were canceled, allowed me to realize that there are people around me that I can count on, even if they might not be aware of the difference that they can make. In a way, I think I need that push of things going really bad before getting better.

Many times, we are not aware of how much difference simple actions, or just a few words, can make on somebody's life. Today, I really want to thank all of you that, probably even thinking about it, had given me that much positive change of perspective. Deeply, thank you.

P.S. Sorry for the maybe circular post, it has been a bit hard to put it in words.

Sacrifices...

Sometimes, we take decisions trying to follow those "dreams" we've had for all our life. Normally, these decisions come with sacrifices (which I'll refer as "talents", just to make a small reference to O. Butler) we have to take in order to follow them. But sometimes, is a thin line between which one is more important to us, either the "dream" we are chasing, or what we are leaving behind because of that.
I've got to that point. For a long time, I didn't feel like I needed things to confront each other. Perhaps, I think now, was the fact that I really didn't think there was something at risk. I had taken those "talents", which I know are very important for me, for granted, and thought that will always be there. But now things are different, and I'm not very sure about all that anymore.
The truth is, that is not a very recent issue, it has been around my head for a while already. As I said, what has become the trigger lately, is the fact of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel get narrower. As I've been moving along towards that "dream", with frustrations and satisfactions, I've also started to see how those "talents" get away from me at times, and as time goes by I see more and more the possibility that the "talents" will not be there when I go back to look for them. That is my greatest fear, a fear that chases me at nights and doesn't let my mind have a rest during the day.
And so, for a while, I have been thinking, and trying to measure (or evaluate or anyway you might want to call it), does the "dream" is really worth loosing my "talents"? can they even be compared to one another? are they even really conflicting to each other? Maybe the easiest answer to all questions is just plain "no", because I don't know the answer, and I'm scared.
And perhaps, the "talents" may already be lost, but I still hold to the hope, the hope that keeps me strong to follow with my "dreams" while at the same time is a hope that feels more like a fantasy than reality. And I'm still lost, trying to know what will happen, what I want to happen, why I once avoided it to happen.
I really wish there could be an easy answer, an easy exit. I think of options, some are probably not even a real option, others are out of my control, and some I am scared to take the step forward, and so, I'm still lost and scared.
I just wish I could be completely happy.

life update...

Last post I made was almost 5 months ago (damn that's a lot). That post was about a rather happy event, my first photo making to explore in flick (I know, pointless, but gives some satisfaction to know that people actually liked my work). Ironically, since then I had a long time when I didn't get to be really happy.

In December, I went home to Ecuador for Christmas and New Years, and although I love being there, I felt strange this time. I guess that after every year that I'm far from home, I can see how each time I fit less and less. I know is normal, I've been making my life here in FSU for almost 3 years now, and people at home have been continuing with their's during this time as well. Three years ago, I chose a different path from the one my life used to have, and now I see how the two get farther apart.

Now, back in the US after the two weeks I spent in Ecuador, I felt for some time that I didn't fit here either. One of the reasons was the fact that most of my friends have been leaving Tallahassee one by one, which is normal for a college town. The other, I guess the fact that I know I'm here just temporarily, and so, don't want to really set roots. A friend told me that I didn't look happy when she saw me, not just because I told her about these things, but she could tell that in me, guess my sadness at the moment was evident.

So for a couple months I spent my days trying to figure out about my life, present, and near future. I was depressed. I spent months thinking about what was going on in my personal life, and my relations in general, family, friends, sentimental, social. Had a lot of things revolving around my head, and then, decided that once again, it was time for me to put a halt to all that in my life, and get back in track. So I've been trying to put those things that affect me in a box, keeping with me only those that are really important.

I think that, step by step, I'm moving out from that depressive state in which a fell. Can't really say that I'm happy with my life the way it is now, but at least I've been working on to be content with it. One way to do it has been photography, although I was already very into it. I guess is a way I can get to see my life from an outsider's point of view, I don't see what is going on inside of me, but rather, what is going on around me. The other, well, school keeps me busy.

I think the photo I attached to this post reflects the situation and the way I feel lately. I'm out with the world, showing as one more in the crowd, but at the same time, individual. I'm out there, but don't interact directly, I just see through the window at the world going around and around. The world can see me, and they may see some of me, but my real thoughts, and feelings I keep them hidden from them. Is a very individual way of living the one I have now, but I really need to understand myself first, while I see the rest, and then I may take off the sunglasses and turn off the headphones, and perhaps then I will be ready to be happy.

I MADE IT TO EXPLORE!!!

Well, in my previous post I was mentioning about my photos, it turns that one of them made it to the top 500 photos (explore) for Nov. 15th on flickr. It is #477 and it makes me really excited, specially cause is a picture I did had it in my mind the way it should look like, and it did came out really good. Here is the photo:

A good week, after all...

This has been a fairly good week after all. Besides the fact that there have been a few things I've been trying to sort out with my life, and the pressure from school, there are two things for which I feel particularly happy on this week.

The first thing is that finally, after 2 1/2 years of being in the US, I finally went to get my driver license!! I really don't know why I waited for so long to do that... I think I could have even had taken the exam without studying, since most of the laws and signals are the same as in Ecuador. So yesterday I finally went took the exam and got licensed :D I just need to wait a couple of weeks to get the actual license in the mail because, being a non-resident, I have to wait until all my documentation gets verified. Still, I can drive now using the certificate they gave me.

The other thing that has made me really happy this week is a batch of photos I had posted to my flickr account. The last weekend of October, my friend Bing came to visit Tallahassee and we went one night to Lake Ella to take photos there. Is a really nice place that I've wanted to go take pictures at since I moved here, but just haven't had a chance to do so. This week, I processed the best photos of that batch and I'm really proud about them, I think those might be some of the best photos I've taken so far, and the flickr community seems to agree since in just two days, two of those have become my most interesting photos (hopefully I'll make it to explore ;). Here is a sample of the pictures, hope you enjoy

Taking some time for my meal...

Mushrooms
Originally uploaded by FernandoSanchez

Well, I haven't posted in a very, very long time, but I guess this seems to be a good, quick reason for posting something...

As some people who know me might know, I like cooking. Is something that started as a necessity when I moved to the US and had to chose between either cooking myself or starving, and of course, I chose the former. Recently I bought a pack of baby bella mushrooms and I've been enjoying them a lot using them rather frequently.

Today I made an experiment with the mushrooms and came out really well. It was started from a recipe in a book, but had to change it some because I didn't had all the ingredients. The result was good, and for some reason, I felt I could get a little "artistic" and not just eat it, but also try to make it look nicer, after all, food is first enjoyed by the eyes before the mouth. Here is the result.

The dish was made out of chopped onions, red and green peppers, mushrooms, diced tomatoes, mixed vegetables and a little bit of Worcestershire sauce.

DONE!!!

About two years ago I started my Master's program at Computer Science Dpt. at Florida State University. Today, I have finally submitted my thesis, and so, finished my program. It does give a really satisfying sensation, specially after these past few weeks that I've been really stressed to finish writing and then defending my thesis.

Now that I've had a little more time to myself (at least before starting my Ph.D.) I've tried to catch up posting photos to my flickr page. In the next few days I will try to get my camera more often and make up for the time I haven't shoot much.

In my effort to make up for the time, last night, I was looking Jupiter at a telescope, and took a few low light shots. One interesting shot was this one:



It is not much because of the picture itself, but if you see it at larger size, you can see the movement of Jupiter. The shot was taken at very low speed, and because of that, you can see how much Jupiter moved during that period of time. What I like about it is the relativity fact. When you are looking at the sky, there are no points of reference to see the movement, so it looks static, but in the picture you can tell that during a relatively short period of time, the planet did moved a large distance. Also in the shot, are several small stars that can be seen moving as well.

Completely useless fact...

I just found out I was born exactly 39 years after Woody Woodpecker's debut on 1940, also,it was 112 years after Alfred Nobel patented dynamite, or 89 years from Puerto Rico's autonomy from Spain. I know i do nothing with these facts, I said it before...